Bottled Water Makes You Impotent

(An op ed piece by General Malaise)

It's official folks. Pepsi and Coke have acknowledged that Aquafina and Dasani respectively are tap water. It costs them about .05 to produce and we pay 1.00-1.50. What do they spend that extra money on? Advertising to undermine our confidence in our tap water. Tap water in most cities is perfectly healthy, according to the folks who provide it. Do I trust the government? Hell no. Do I trust companies who put water in platic bottles even less? Hell yes.

After thousands of years of developing societies in which most people can get drinking water from pipes into their houses, we've decided to switch to a system in which water is brought to us on trucks in plastic bottles, 80% of which end up in landfills. The inefficiency is absurd and I'm highly concerned of the effect it will have on extra-terrestrials who happen to be evaluating our planet for signs of intelligent life at this particular juncture. Think you can be responsible by re-using those bottles? Nope, it turns out, they are approved for one-time use because if you use them more often, they'll leach toxins into your water.

Why would the powers that be allow such an absurd system to take over? Isn't it obvious? so they can put saltpeter in the water and sap our male vitality. They tried to put it in the tap water back in the day but were thwarted by vigiliant virile males such as myself, so now they're trying again with the bottled water.

Don't fall for it gentlemen. Of course, I'm not asking you to drink government water either. There's absolutely no reason you can't get yourself a shovel and start digging until you hit our good old clay-encrusted water table. You haven't tasted refreshment until you've had your own hand-lugged fresh brown H2O from a bucket.

Of course they'll get to the water table too, about the time they melt the ice caps. But by then my desalinzation plant project will be off the ground and I'll be sitting pretty on top of barrels of post-arctic puro and shipping the sea salt and dried plankton to my oh-so-luxurious and virile hot tub spas in a secret location. See you there!